The Selfie

Its been 8 months since an 'End of an Era' and after much procrastination, excuses and a final year at university i'm ready for 'Pursuit of Sparkle: The Reboot'.

This academic year has been the hardest yet. A never ending rota of exams, essays and a forever looming dissertation has lead to a messy whirlwind of memories that can only be looked back on fondly, as lessons learnt and then filed away into the dark recesses of Facebook.

Its impossible to recount everything I have learnt about myself (and others) in a blog, nor would it make very interesting reading. However, what i do want to share is this;
These last few months have shown me the need for self confidence, self-discipline and self-promotion; what i will ironically call 'The Selfies'.

Self-Confidence has never come easily, despite promoting a persona suggesting such. The inner strength gained this year actually came from fighting that urge to undermine myself. It was having to tell myself that I was good enough, that I could achieve what I set out to achieve and that if I surround myself with negativity of course i'm going to be down! (DUH) Self- confidence came from looking in a mirror and saying I m more than my image, it came from looking at the scales and saying i'm more than my weight, it came from looking people in the eye, acknowledging the faults they see in me; accepting them, smiling, apologizing then moving on.
The friends and family who accept me for my flaws and, occasionally snorting laughs, means more than any shallow number, comment or action.
This was epitomized on my 21st Birthday, it was a turning point for me. To know people cared, wanted to spend time with me and made such a thoughtful effort brought me close to tears several times, and apparently led to many drunk protestations of love. Friends from across the country, uni friends with a lot of their plate (and limited funds), my sister (beyond words amazing) and my family all visiting and presenting me with a memory box they had been keeping for 21 years.. i was speechless at the amount of love shown. It encouraged me to love myself too.

Self-Discipline was necessary not just in academia but also for self-preservation. Deadlines, Exhaustion and Anxiety meant that in all spheres it resulted in a cliched 'Keep Calm'approach. It was recognizing the panic, recognizing my needs and recognizing that everything isn't perfect all the time. we go trough life believing everything should be perfect, balanced and without difficulty, if its difficult we're doing it wrong. I wanted to reach deadlines, I wanted to sleep and I wanted to live without fear and I did all of those things. I reached deadlines by having the discipline to start early and have confidence in my ideas. I slept, I allowed myself to say no to people even though I felt like i'd let them down and I'd lose them. Some of them I did lose, and I miss them but lack of sleep meant I was missing my sanity and my sparkle (good ol' sparkle). In no way did I want to be selfish, it was self-preservation. I mourn the loss of possible experiences or possible friendships but the ones I found though a great seminar group and setting up a football team would never have been achievable otherwise. They made me sparkle.

Self-Promotion links to both the above. Self-promotion in believing in myself, Self-discipline made time for the dreaded job applications and the fulfillment of my potential. Its a very American thing to jump in head first and have the balls to proclaim ' Yes I am right, Yes this is what I want and 'Yes'. Just saying Yes opens a lot of doors, ones you never knew existed, or ones you thought were locked. Yes is like knocking or finding a key you thought you'd lost. Saying Yes and just trying...its positive, it drowns out the negative. It led to one of the best opportunities i've had in a long time.

Self-Confidence= Yes I am Me

Self-Discipline= Yes I Can Do It

Self- Promotion= Yes I am Me and I Can Do It

With graduation looming its time for a Sparkle 're-boot'....

Peace and Love x

End of an Era

So the summer is coming to an end and as ever its been full of work (experience and paid), rest (not enough) and play (maybe too much..... nah never enough play). But after all the fun and frolics there has been a serious side.

I'm going into the final year of my undergrad degree (duh duh duhhhh) so the panic of OH HOLY HELL WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING?, WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE!?, WHEN IS THE LOAN COMING THROUGH!!!??? has been racing through my mind. Along side this I have been trying to nip the annoying gremlin that is ED in the bud.

so.....
1) Where is my life going?
Its going forward, the only way it can go. I am forever making mistakes and learning from them, worrying about mistakes and re-living them, but at the end of the day they are in the past and there is absolutely sod all one can do about it. My life is going forward, there isn't a specific direction but that's okay. How boring is walking in a straight line! think about it, if you're forever going straight you never get to explore the wiggly, wobbly bits (and how much more fun is that to say?) WIBBLY WOBBLY heehee.... i digress.

2) What have I done with my life?
Turns out quite a lot. I was born (no mean feat especially for my mum god bless her). I have survived 20 years (just about) and, lets be honest, I got through pre-school, school, collage and University (almost), I learnt to drive, learnt to drink and learnt to avoid doing both together. I have made friends that I never would have met if I hadn't have been me (and god knows where they would be without me.... yes Steph Thomas you would still be passed out in Hula ;)). While there are days where I feel aimless and useless you do really need to just take a step back and give yourself a major pat on the back for even making it this far!! WELL DONE YOU!

 

Maybe drinking cocktails that are on fire isn't the best idea to keep the survival trend going... ah well YOLO!!

3) When is the loan coming through?
End of this week, I only have myself to blame but clothes and wine need me..... they do.... honest.

Finally, both good and bad events come in threes so here are 3 good things that happened this summer...
1) I have officially been discharged from the Eating Disorders clinic 2 years and 3 months after the initial diagnosis. I have never been prouder of my body and more thankful to my family and friends. Now a healthy 54Kg and 20.1BMI I can keep moving forward. (see point 1.)

 BEFORE

AFTER

2) I have somehow managed to get a boyfriend, god knows how that happened!!! Hes not a psychopath, arse-hole or arrogant prick.... who knew they existed?! Hes actually pretty darn nice (feel free to hate me and my smugness.... i do).

3)  I got 10 stitches in my leg... now I realize at first this doesn't seem like a good thing, but it taught me three things; (YES three things again, come on its just a nice way to organize shit!)
1. I can now call myself a 'proper runner' and be morbidly proud of the blood on my trainers,
2. My body is amazing, its healing itself and it makes me so thankful that we're working as a team again (i am really sorry body, I did treat you like shit but you are an utter babe really <3 nbsp="" p="">3. You can still work short skirts and bare legs with a scar with the leg cross/ HEY LOOK AT MY AWESOME SCAR techniques.

 Note the good leg crossed over the bad....  and standing next to a friend who is a banging hottie!! love you Rae Rae <3 p="">

AWESOME!!!!

So i'm off to go and pack up my life again and head back to Robin Hood country for the best year yet with my girls armed with new experiences, new self belief and new clothes.... (WHEN IS THE LOAN COMING THROUGH!!!???)

Peace and Love x

From Paradise to the Wild... (well Zoo)

Summer holidays are what we wait all year for. They are built up, get you though end of year exams and as soon as the sun starts burning your un-creamed shoulders you know its time to get the sunglasses out and brave the bikini.
Fruit tastes fresher, love seems more likely and it suddenly seems completely natural to drink Pimms and wine before midday.

The one thing I rediscover every summer, besides the fact that despite my best efforts I will always become a lobster before a golden goddess, is my love of books and how much I have neglected reading for pleasure. In my defense this is usually because I have more than enough reading to do in my degree (History, for those who don't know), but I always have a stockpile of books I have accumulated over the year from various charity shops and amazon orders, which have been tempting me from the bottom of my bookcase.

So this year so far readings have included ;

Far from the Maddening Crowd - By Thomas Hardy (makes you believe that true love will always be the end result even in the most ordinary and rural of locations)

Moll Flanders - By Daniel Defoe (Inspires every women to have faith in herself and confront situations with strength and initiative while still allowing her to fall in love and exploit her femininity)

The Beautiful and the Damned - By F.Scott Fitzgerald (makes you pity the spoilt brats of the world and men who have to deal with needy girlfriends)

Just Kids- By Patti Smith (Makes you want to become a New York Bohemian in the 60's even if that means living on the bread line and in a scratty downtown apartment... (ok so maybe i'd struggle) but look how cool she looks!!)

and This Side of Paradise - By F.Scott Fitzgerald

For this book I wrote a short synopsis because I really really do recommend it to anyone who feels inadequate or morbidly average.
 It inspired me to never stop trying to be better because eventually you will end up accepting yourself when you realize that your best isn't judged against the world it, it is an internal acknowledgement that being the 'best' isn't a goal worth having, being 'brilliant' is.
It reminded me of a motto an ex-headmistress told us in one assembly and while we pretended we didn't care and took the mick out of the sentimentality and hypocraty of  it all it is still the voice in my head when I feel useless or stressed out; ' strive for excellence, not perfection'.

If you haven't already stopped reading and are interested in reading it this is my interpretation of what the book is about. (If you're bored already we're off to the zoo next :D)

Amory Blaine, the protagonist, is constantly searching for validation and himself. His upbringing with an intelligent extravagant mother sets the stage for an adolescent who has an ambition for greatness. At first this is attempted through trying to present himself as a ‘slick’; a type of gentleman with specified characteristics and the antithesis of the’ big man’. This non-conformist theme is a repeated throughout his life but it takes experience and social encounters to allow him to form a coherent philosophy to live by. At Princeton, he engages in literature and the works of the great theorists expanding him mind rather than focusing on academic excellence, which he neglects. In hindsight this was the most useful education he could have gained from collage. While his wealthier peers continue in the pursuit of personality, Amory, with the guidance of his mother’s friend, seeks to become a personage; more that an external projection of greatness and honour, but the ability to nurture and understand ones intellect so that he becomes remembered for indispensability rather than admired for perceived greatness.
After involvement in the war and loss of his family’s fortune, he is forced to confront fully the ideals which crystallised in his Princeton years. In the atmosphere of Socialism, this emerged after the fighting has ceased, he becomes even more introverted and inclined to question conservative values and seek alternatives.
The novel ends with Amory realising that he must break away from ‘spiritual marriage’ and enter the labyrinth in order to join the ranks of the great thinkers and radicals who he so greatly admires. While he acknowledges that he will be selfish, as human nature dictates, but he will have to understand and transcend this in order to progress rather than solely focusing on it as those who conform are prone to do so. The last line is his proclamation that he knows himself, and while he, by no means, is fully enlightened, he has achieved a state of personage which will allow him to go through the rest of his life in search of fulfilment.
He had to go inside himself to be able to exude the image he has always strived to project. It couldn’t be faked by materialist and shallow personality.

So this has been quite a serious post....
Therfore for some light entertainment, to make up for nerding out, we went to the ZOO!!!

 Meet Steph (Partner in Crime)...

 And Christopher (Pronounced Christoffoouurrr)...

They-re in LUUURRVVVVV....

... 

 Sleepy Lion (Lazy f***er)

 Just chillin...

 Little monster tore up the rails on the top of Steph's car... 

in the monkey's defense Chris did put a fruit pastille on the roof...

Attempt at a smile?...

 If this Rhino needs to go his mate will NOT be impressed....

  White with Black stripes or Black with white stripes?

 If you're given a mask you HAVE to wear it.... also the queue for face-paints was ridiculous!

 This was Biffo <3 dogs="" like="" of="" p="" re="" sea="" the="" they="">

 Off to our paradise.... 

 COCKTAIL TIME <3 p="">

 Peace and Love x

The Summer of (Self) Love

I have named this summer the summer of SELF love. I have spent a year trying to get back on track physically and now its time for the hard part of tackling the mental side.
Like every other teenage girl out there we all harbor self doubt.
We're never good enough, never live up to expectations and will never look like Jessica Alba
But maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing.

(not my image)

My second year of university has officially ended and it is at these watershed moments when you cant help but reflect on what the last year has seen and try and quantify what you have achieved.
It is difficult not to panic that the future is speeding towards you at 100mph and you're rooted to the spot about to be hit by the 'responsibility' train but this is where pursuit of sparkle really comes into its own.
zoom out
step back
and just appreciate what you have learnt and experienced over the past 365 days.

The last post was short and sweet recognizing the first birthday of my starting this online ramble so it seems liked the opportune moment to list what this year has taught me.
1) You can never have too many friends as long as you take the time to show each one how much you appreciate them

2) Your mum is alright right (annoyingly)
3) Never underestimate the impact of the words 'i am proud of you', 'i'm sorry' and 'do you do student discount?'
4) Never drink white wine on an empty stomach

5) Believe in yourself, be Proud of yourself and Love yourself because sometimes yours the only opinion that matters.

I have been amazingly lucky this year. I have met some outstanding friends, inspiring tutors and recognized that life doesn't have to be so hard if you learnt to let shit happen once in a while.

(shit like this)

Everything always seems to work out for the happy, considerate and willing individual who gives up planning and control for fate and opportunity.
 However, no one is happy all the time, sometimes you have to be selfish and yes there will always be days when you want to sit on the sofa in a onesie and watch crap on t.v. but as long as you recognize your flaws, accept them and keep pursuing sparkle you will have a summer of self love too.

IT'S SUMMER!!!!

Peace and Love x

Happy Birthday

So according to my email it is the first birthday of my blog today.
I would like to thank all the people who have read it and told me they enjoyed it, it means more than you realize.

I would like to mark the occasion with a quote from a film I watched recently, American Beauty, which I feel epitomizes what i wanted from this blog and what it was all meant to be about...

'it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i am seeing it all at once and its too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...And then i remember to RELAX and stop trying to hold on to it and then it flows through me like rain and I cant feeling anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life

Peace and Love x

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