Sunday, 15 July 2012

The Pizza Conqueror

I have a confession... I am a recovering anorexic...
I cried last night, I mean great heaving, can’t breathe sobs. ED had been vanquished and all his rage and my frustration was flooding out, tension being released and a river bursting the dam.  All that anger at myself for letting ED get away with making me unhappy, mourning of skinny-ness passing and the pain held inside for so long was coming our in a torrent of red wine induced tears. I finished a whole pizza last night. Fair enough it had no cheese and yes it did have a whole meal base, it wasn’t very large and I had a salad to start and no pudding, but it was still a whole pizza and I finished every last crumb. It may not seem big to an outsider, it may even seem pathetic but to me it was like I had conquered my Mt.Everest and reached a real turning point in my recovery. ED was trying to tell me I was being greedy, that I had already been feeling fat and out of control today, that I was losing my restraint and grip of myself but he was silenced by liquid courage and sparkle’s voice taking over, Lagoh telling me what she craved and me allowing her to have her say, give her some control and listen to my inner voice, not the nasty hobgoblin gremlin on my back with his arms around my neck slowly choking the life out of me. I felt that even through an alcoholic haze I had come to my senses, made some sort of rational order in my mind. I allowed myself to enjoy what I craved and yet still felt in control. I separated myself from ED, I was me again. The tears were not the result of regret or guilt as I usually perceive them to be, but a release of energy, the letting go of tension, of ED, allowing myself to indulge meant I could breathe again, they were happy tears, tears of pride and of accomplishment. I was more than ED, I am more than anorexia, an eating disorder, a shadow. I am Lagoh, I am more than I can and ever will believe possible. I am infinite and most of all I am me and for the first time in a long time, in the masked guise of a healthy pizza, I loved me.

One very Sparkly Girly...
Peace and Love x

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