Saturday, 28 July 2012

Strength, Friendship, Intelligence and POETRY...

I want to live my life as i have lived in Paris,; finding Sparkle, listening to my body, doing what makes me happy and trusting myself. I have lived life by what i WANT to do, that when everything has seemed to work out for the best. When I do what i FEEL everything works out. I will be HAPPY and i will LIVE because it's worth it... and 'fuck it.... YOLO'.

I wrote these two poems a few months ago but only felt ready to share them now. They helped me organise my feelings and get my head a little bit straighter. I hope you enjoy them.

Letting Go
Oh avid defender of my speech, how you  do distill my sorrow
Defying lifes sweet poetry and longing for tomrrow.
innocence, strength and freedom
Bound by chains of doubt,
Set free my heart, my life, my mind and destroy the walls around.
Ilong to breathe the air outside and know that im allowed,
I cant waste my life away, living underground.
Ilong to touch the moon the stars and find my destiny,
You dont control my life anymore, I've opened my eyes, I'm free.
Be gone oh voice of reason, your logic was terribly flawed.
I know who i am, i know myslef and i deserve to be adored.
Give us this day our daily bread and be thankful that i'm here,
My spirit is free to roam the skies and all that i hold dear.

Craving inspiration when my belly is hollow
Drowning in a pit of unenviable sorrow
With starvation brings genius or so the madmen say
But there is 'no virtue in deprivation', to Northomb i pray
The stomach is empty but the mind so full
Fit to burst, ready to cave., despiration to pull through.
To live, to love, to feast, to grow
Veins exposed, eyes still blue but skin white as snow.
Pangs of hunger gleam like medals, I can go a little longer
Mind whirrs, knees buckle, Cheast tightens, sparks fly
But now here comes the thunder.
Sip the wine and savour the bread but lead us not into temptation.
Welcome ED in from the storm and offer a calorie-free libation,
Then cast him out along with doubt and fear and know you've done no wrong.
Make living life your sole career and make sure its nice and long.

Finally... i wrote this letter yesterday to my family, without their love and support i would not be where i am right now and i think i want to share this letter because they deserve recognition.

Dear Mum, Dad and Katie
I wanted to write you this letter to try and explain where my head is at right now and apologize for the past few days.
Portugal was an eye opener for me, I needed that time to just relax with you all in a place away from familiarity and the mundane duties of everyday life which, as you so rightly pointed out, are a necessity.
Portugal allowed me time to reflect and challenge myself, relinquish that NEED for control which seems to be at the route of my difficulties right now. I can not begin to express my gratitude at how amazing and supportive you all were. You made me feel normal again while, at the same time, making me face my issues, realizing that they were the abnormality.
Paris allowed me to take the lessons I learnt in the safety of my family and try to apply them to independent living and I wouldn't of had the experience I had, had it not been for the foundations you laid.
I realize that i have probably been THE most difficult person to live with since i have come back. Paris was so engaging and Portugal so relaxing that i had got used to that feeling of diminished responsibility and 'reality'. The thing i am most afraid of, and the reason i have been so selfish as of late, is because I am worried that coming back to normality and acknowledging 'life' will present those 'difficult feelings' again; the ones I deal with by trying to control everything. I am scared that if i come back to the 'real world' i will forget, or not be able to apply the lessons I have learnt this last month to my life now.
I have loved pursuing sparkle and I am petrified of losing that ability in the face of extra responsibility and acknowledging that other people need to be considered. I try to 'go with the flow' but at the moment it is still and act and a facade. You can face life and its complexities, I increasingly take refuge in my head, (Which is probably why I find it easier to write a letter).
I'm really going to try to not be as selfish anymore. Please know that I could never apologize enough for what I have put you all through. I have taken advantage of the unconditional love you have shown me and the seemingly limitless support you have so freely given. I have added to your lives the complexity, which i openly admit I can't handle, and the fact I have imposed this on you will forever be a regret and source of guilt.
Please know that I love you all so much and without you I couldn't be the person I am. You are my sparkle and I am so lucky to be able to call you my family, I don't deserve that privilege right now but I promise that I will now forever strive to make you all proud and pay you back even a fraction of the love and kindness you have shown me.
Don't cry reading this letter, it's not meant to evoke sorrow but just to try and shed abit of light on the situation. So thank you again, for being my lifeline. I love you all, please never forget that. you all deserve the best and I am so proud to be able to call you my family.
All My Love
Emily x

on a lighter note...
(This post is dedicated to my Friends and Family without whom i'd be lost...)
Peace and Love x

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